Our Anxious Kids

It’s a crazy world out there. And it is just getting crazier. As adults, most of us are in survival mode as we sprint to keep up with the hamster wheel of life. South Africans are stressed out. A study was conducted across 34 countries to determine various nations' mental health quotient (MHQ). Who came in stone last? Yup, Sunny South Africa.

It’s no surprise if you sit back and list what South Africans deal with daily. Even though we are so desensitised to much of it, we don’t realise the burden it puts on our mental health. Rampant crime, perpetual load shedding (even when it isn't happening, we are anxious and suspicious), and the impossible task of obtaining a driver’s license when the only machine in the country is broken. Then, there is the skyrocketing petrol price, widespread corruption, a crumbling economy and inflation. Of course, I can’t omit the part about surviving a pandemic -which caused fear, isolation and anxiety worldwide – and suddenly juggling work from home and navigating our kids through online schooling.

I am sure that just reading that paragraph was exhausting. Now, if you consider how challenging it can be, take a moment to think about our kids. We can become caught up in it all and imagine that many of those things go unnoticed by children, but they are far more aware of what is happening in the world than we give them credit for. They pick up on our stress and access what’s happening worldwide through social media and overheard conversations. Although some of us may go out of our way to shield them from it, it gets discussed on the school playground, often in ways that can make it far more frightening, without context.

Our Children are in Trouble

Then there is the added academic pressure, peer pressure and hectic extra mural commitments with minimal downtime. According to UNICEF, 65 per cent of adolescents said they were struggling with their mental health but didn’t seek help. Many said it was because they didn’t know where to get help, didn’t feel it was severe enough to speak to anybody, or were afraid they would be judged. Although there is far more awareness than before, there is still a stigma attached to mental health. And it needs to change.

During the eight years that I taught at a school for gifted kids, I picked up on things regarding anxiety in children. Bear in mind that gifted kids – as well as many neurotypical kids – are chronic overthinkers who worry constantly. And don’t think this is limited to adolescents. I was teaching grade four for most of my years there and often encountered anxiety in my students. Many of the children were referred to us when their previous schools asked that they get an assessment due to their distractibility, inattention, poor work ethic and poor performance. The assessment was to pursue a diagnosis of ADHD or a similar learning challenge with the hope of getting them on a medication like Ritalin or Concerta to help.

However the assessment ended up revealing something completely unexpected. It turned out they had exceptional intelligence, were completely stifled by a system that tried to squish them into an ill-fitting box and were often crippled with anxiety. As a result, it gave a very different perspective regarding the so-called ADHD pandemic.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-medication, and I fully believe that ADHD is real. I have spent enough time in the classroom to realise that medication can be life-changing when correctly prescribed in the right circumstances. But what stood out to me was how anxiety often caused the same distractibility, inattention, poor work ethic and poor performance that often accompanies ADHD. And when the anxiety was tackled, the children thrived. 

So, How Can We Help?

The most important thing we can do for our kids is to be present enough to recognise the signs, communicate with them, and make them feel safe to communicate with us. Awareness of your children’s mental health is just as essential as physical health. When left unchecked, issues like anxiety and depression can lead to countless problems down the road, including substance abuse, self-harm and eating disorders.

As I mentioned in my previous article, I am not a doctor or a psychologist. I am just a teacher and a mom who dealt with these issues on the ground and speaks from my observations and experience. The extremely high expectations and pressure on kids often stood out to me. Parents are well-meaning. They want their kids to do well at school to set them up for a bright future in a competitive world. We want them to participate in team sports or other sports and cultural activities to build character, create social bonds and be ‘off their screens’. But it can be overwhelming and counterproductive. Sometimes they just need to be kids. I can hardly count the times I’ve had a child in tears in my classroom because they are so disappointed in a test result. And when I tried to reassure them and comfort them, their response was along the lines of, ‘My parents are going to kill me!’ I’ve had children experience full-blown panic attacks, and when we sit and chat, I discover that they struggle to keep up with schoolwork because their afternoons are full of karate classes, horse riding, gymnastics, and swimming practice – the list goes on. While these things are great outlets when done in moderation, many kids are doing more than one of these a day, getting home at supper time and then still trying to keep up with school. What they need are opportunities to engage in hobbies that revitalise them and have no expectations, to spend quality time with their families and to be able to achieve the elusive work/life balance that we as adults work so hard to achieve.

But we also want our children to grow up resilient to handle life’s hard knocks. Trying to avoid or eliminate the source of their anxiety can disempower them. The key is to help them manage it and to recognise it. When they feel safe enough to discuss their feelings, they will also be open to letting you know when the pressure is just too overwhelming, and you can help them choose the activities that give them an outlet and walk away from the ones that smother them. We constantly push concepts like ‘Don’t give up’, ‘Stay committed’ and ‘Don’t quit’. While this serves a purpose and is a good attitude in many cases, it’s about balance, self-care and knowing your limits. Keep your expectations realistic too. Not every child is an academic – even the brightest –  and should be supported and encouraged to do their best rather than chase unattainable results. With less pressure and anxiety, you may find they do better anyway and come into their own once they are through the system.

Parenting is not for sissies. It’s a fine line between firm encouragement and gentle support, wanting them to conquer the world and helping them get through a day. We doubt ourselves constantly, regardless of which stance we take, but at the end of the day, we all want what is best for our kids, which is the source of our efforts. But we need to cut our children some slack, so they can one day go out and conquer the world thanks to good self-esteem, valuing their own needs and having compassion and empathy through our example.

For more insights, resources, and support on navigating the world of neurodiversity, visit NeuroParentingHub.co.za.